06:26AM 💀
this is so sad bruh, this day is over ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ at least I had a somewhat productive day today.. so maybe I can spend today at the library nearby. UGH. Anyway, this whole *staying up the entire damn night because I couldn't put a manga down*.. it reminds me of who I was a couple years back. I actually feel like I haven't done this in a while. Just stay up for no fucking reason for something so fucking useless. but this time, I'm not gonna beat myself up, I'm on a take it as a learning experience. and I have learned that there's a reason why I avoided reading Manga on this ereader for so long. it's extremely addictive. I think combined with the speed and ease at which you can digest manga, quick and instant page turns, infinite binge reading, it just hacks a dopaminergic response unlike social media or reels bruh. this is the feeling of "I wonder what's gonna happen next" and you can engage with it *immediately*. so FUCK I really let that ruin my Monday, and I had stuff planned too. it's whatever. at least, right now, I can feel comfortable to really reflect on things. Just like old times.
having Chizuru and Kazuya in my mind and all these over exaggerated scenes and over thinking and whatnot gets me thinking of the time I thought anime and Manga were legit reasons to live. when really, I was just lonely and liked how I can "experience" more things in life through in such an explicit medium like Manga. so for one that's dumb as hell.. but hey, guess it got me to study Japanese for 3 years, so that's something 😂
then, the whole characterization of Chizuru is really something, and I can't say I haven't liked her while reading it, but I just can't shake the fact that I obsessed over an idealized person. she's "perfect", yes, in looks, smarts, personality, maturity, but also learning her back story of her parents was so cool, and you see why she is the way she is. but even then, I find myself a little *too* immersed in these characters, just cuz of that. and i guess the *familiarity* is a big thing too, because this manga has been going on for like, 4-5 years now? I can completely understand the limerence behind superfans and ultra weebs. while it's a good thing I can recognize and empathize with this stuff, I think it just means I gotta touch more grass and actually see real people.
let 23 year olds be 23 year olds
Chizuru also got me thinking of my own maturity, too. so children with adverse childhood experiences are more likely to develop maturity and independence out of necessity, right? and it kind of pains me to see this reflection of me in her. I keep thinking about that one stream Dr. K had with that one kid, er, guy, because we're the same age (he's 23), and people in the chat were curious about why he hasn't really matured enough to understand the problems he was facing even though he's 23. I think collectively in the chat we had some agreement that as young adults it's common to feel bad if we're not as "grown up" as we should be or "behind" in life if we haven't been working a job, got a driver's license, or doing the average adult responsibilities the world hands us. it's conditioning, really, based on comparison and social media. we are naturally wired to think a certain way if someone is making more money and "more successful" than we are at age 23. but something Dr. K said stuck with me, something like "I wish we could just have a world where we can let 23 year olds be 23 year olds."
do I hate that I matured too fast? no, I had to do it for survival, really. it's just a more practical way of thinking that supports open mindedness, level headedness, frugality, among other things... especially when your parents never taught you these things. but it just pains me to think about the life I could have lived if I had good parental figures, had a good support system, had an environment where I felt secure and safe to fail and try things. this alternate timeline where I was a young 20 year old, starry-eyed go-getter. still naive, but at least I would reach out to others and try new things I was interested in. maybe I would be working something I love at this point.
My first girlfriend comes to mind when I think about that, actually. she only went to university for two years thanks to Running Start, and after that kinda just followed her passions, which was Japanese. she ended up actually *going* to Japan and living there, which is fucking insane to me. and here *I* was, high off a simple dream to *maybe* reinvent myself as a person, become a baka na gaikokujin and actually live in Japan to maybe *escape* whatever struggles I had going on where I am now. when in reality, had I actually followed my "dreams", I would have found that you're still the same person when you travel. I might have just brought all that depression with me.
Anyway... I'm pretty charmed that they wrote Kazuya to be good with kids, though, because it connects to this thought I had once about my own fondness in working with kids. I used to be a reading tutor, and worked at various summer camps, where I learned a bit about myself and really enjoyed working with kiddos. It's from those experiences I realized working with kids has a lot of value, in that you really do see the world differently. Once you sit in that tiny chair next to them and ask what they're working on, you exit the entire adulting world- responsibilities, work, expectations, prior knowledge, pride, and doubts- and step into their little mind, where their classmate is not sharing the special shooter Lego piece with them. Once you get on their level, your world fades, the one with large anxieties and doubts, into this simple green pasture. You start to learn that maybe the things you worry about as an adult aren't really important after all. It's only once you meet a kid who is navigating kid sized problems, applying kid-sized problem solving to adult problems is basically just taking a step back from the anxiety-ridden mess that is adulthood and looking at the bigger picture. *What really matters*. If this kid's day is going to be ruined if he doesn't get this lego piece, he's gonna do everything in his power to get what he wants. But in this case, all it takes is an adult to tell him that there's enough of that special lego in the world to go around. and that's okay too.
anyway I went on a tangent about kids... but I was trying to setup this thought... that for a while, I rejected the idea that I should pursue something like education because being around kids will only make me deny the responsibilities of adulthood, making me never want to "grow up" into a real adult. which sounds stupid now that I write this out. this is not about some age regression thing, it's more like a corrective experience I guess. my issue was this resistance I had towards running to a career that could possibly fill a part of me that had been quietly robbed of me as a kid- just being a kid, and having fun. however, this resistance I had was a nagging sense of maturity in me-"*no, you must grow up*". I didn't want to allow myself experiences that would help me live out the days I should have lived as a fun, free, uninhibited kid. it reminds me of what Dr .K mentioned the other day about the adult wanting to play with Legos. he sees Legos at the store and really wants to buy a set for himself, but he's like, "no, I can't! I'm a grown man, with responsibilities, a family to feed, I need to grow up! I'm an adult!" I forget what Dr. k said after that but honestly? I would say fuck it, dude. get the Legos. you're gonna be holding yourself accountable to "growing up" your entire life and before you know it, you'll have never bought a set for yourself and whoops , I'm.on the death bed my biggest regret was not buying the Death Star set when I was interested in it. what even is "growing up"? slaving away at work for 40 years, denying yourself of simple joys in life just because your parents, or society, told you that that's what being an adult is? grow up? nah, dude... wake up. buy that Lego set. because the day you stop wanting to play with Legos is probably the day the kid version of you is *really* gone.. the kid in your heart who always loved to dream.
I'm not going for a teacher, because I don't wanna spend my days lesson planning every day the night before 😂😠(my mom's a teacher)... but I'm thinking of going for a behavior technician, or behavior therapist. you can still work with kids, be immersed in the kiddos worlds, and it's a pretty interesting technical field too. so yeah. Just one of the ways I'm gonna allow myself to tend to that kid in me, and to keep dreaming.
despite the awkward, over exaggerated, trashy, stupid parts, I'm glad this story exists. I empathized with Kazuya at first because I believed I was straight garbage, but growing up I empathized with Chizuru a lot more... and in real life, I feel for all the kids who had to grow up too fast. I'm glad she exists as a character, she'll promote awareness to this tragic but real phenomenon. and she'll probably live on in my mind as an alternate timeline, someone I aspired to be for a really long time. a dream chaser.